Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
