I'm gonna have a badass scar
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
