he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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