There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i need an iv and a liver transplant
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
