the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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