3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
