you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize