They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
