My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Randomize
