I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
