I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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