I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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