i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
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I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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