I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
