Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Randomize
