Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
