Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
