why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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