My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
