His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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