while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
