Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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