I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
