As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize
