sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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