i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
