I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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