I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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