he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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