his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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