My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
