wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
i think i just lost a toe
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
