I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
