I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
