A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
