my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
