You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
They are going to name an STD after you.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
