I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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