He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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