i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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