i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
