trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
