My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
