Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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