I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
