Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
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