The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
So many bounce houses so little time
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
