What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
