My hair reeks of homosexuality.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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