just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
