There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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