Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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