You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
