He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
